You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
