I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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