I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
