i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
