i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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