Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
