Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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