I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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