I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
