There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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