Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
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You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
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When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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