i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
