I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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