if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
