So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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