Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
