So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
