i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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