My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
