I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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