Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
