just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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