he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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