My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
