I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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