My friends, they love my intelligence
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
