yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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