Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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