Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
