Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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