don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
