he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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