And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
