Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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