I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
