I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
