if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Ladies don't puke and tell
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
