my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
