My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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