I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
