what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
