john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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