Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
