worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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