she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
