my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
