She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
