peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
