the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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