I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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