I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
