whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
