We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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