oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
