Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
