My liver just broke up with me...
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
