I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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