she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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