i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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