I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
